Pretty mental

For all of my life, I have never known myself to be a proud person. Honestly, I couldn't imagine myself being proud. For one thing, I don't have anything to be proud of. I loathed boasting but being proud isn't all about boasting. You can be proud in many different ways. Having pride isn't bad, but too much always is. Today, my big boss of mine said that people who try to impress others a lot are most likely to be proud. That struck me. Lately, I haven't been my usual carefree self. I may still seem normal to others but it is only I who can know how I really feel. My face doesn't show it but I feel terrible. I felt like I just had to compete with everyone, be better. I know I could never be better than anyone at anything. I'm mediocre. It is what it is.

I tried my best in a way that involves thinking badly of people. These people I'm talking about, are the people I'm merely jealous of. So, if I couldn't do better.....I just feel jealous and think badly of them? NO! I shouldn't and I better not do that again. Every bit of me knows that what I'm doing, though not physically, is wrong. I'm hurting others in my mind. I feel guilty that these people are those that are kind to me and how do I repay them? Thinking badly of them and cursing (yes, cursing) them.

When I try to do my so-called best, I don't do so much good. Before, I used to do these things since I love them. Now, it's just for mere competition with others and not myself. I seemed to have lost every bit of humility I had. I just sicken myself in thinking of the horrible mental person that I've become. Doing your best with haste only to outshine others is wrong. All you'd do is the best of your worst.

All these, conclude that I am a mean, PROUD (in a bad way), insecure and jealous guy. I know that all people are insecure of some things and that it shouldn't get in their way. This could turn you into a person you wouldn't want to be. Having humility is very advantageous. You'd feel light and sleep well at night.

I just hope it wouldn't take control of me, again.
So today, I swallowed my pride, cleared my mind of all evil thoughts and felt better. Better but not so good. It seems like I haven't completely recovered. I'd always feel a pang of jealous

.........after reading this, you might think I'm pretty mental........I am! bleh