LIFE...in a way i could never imagine

I'm restless...

Really, i can't help it. Too many question, so confusing, so much in a place where it so-called brain....

Last night, i had a conversation. With someone who called me a friend...

Again, i am always in a lane, a repetition. Why i never realize that, my life is just a test. Why i can't see that, the reality doesn't go the way my dream does, the way my fantasies does, why can't i see that the reality is much more real than what my fantasies would be like...

It just me...

It has always been just me...

Me, myself and i.

I should, you know, really, just forget about everything and live life the way i should be, live life the way people like me have, live life without having any sense of reality, without having any feelings...

Soulless...

Loveless....

In life, we often get what we want, but we must cherish and acknowledge those who came by, those who touch our life, because we never know, maybe all this time, what we have been chasing is right in front of us...

i can't understand why i end up being me...

why i end up miserably....

i can't see, which is right, which is wrong anymore. i don't understand why it must be me who always suffer...

then again, everything in this life is just a test. a test that significantly made us more stronger or end up suicide. a test that was meant for us to have it...

some of us is strong. can accept the test and live through it... i don't know if i am strong. i cannot say that i am stronger now for living through this hell. i don't really know how, that i, survived this whole time...

till now, i still don't know how i can stay the way i am...

with everything that happened, i know they happened for a reason, but i don't know how, or why, why it must be me, and why that i cannot be some else, why that i am trapped, and why those fucking people around me never could understand how much pain that i am having, they can only laugh, and keep on laughing...

say nasty things about me...

say everything they want about me, like i am nothing but just a puppet with no feelings or whatsoever...

and it hurts...

it hurts really bad...

i want to cry now... but what's the point?

the blame is all on me...

i guess i am a dreamer....

i have to run, hide...

cause i don't want to return to my room alone....